Just one rep away…

Our 2nd attempt at achieving MS at the AKC Classic in Las Vegas, NV on November 7, 2009

Again, and then again. Confidence and a sense of achievement, followed by disappointment and heartbreak… In my pursuit of the Master of Sport rank, I have been able to hit and even surpass the necessary reps a couple of dozen times in training and yet, I have not thus far been able to transfer this success to the platform. As I have reflected on this over the last few months I have had to look closely at all elements of my performance. This process of self reflection has not been easy. Initially there was gut wrenching disappointment, followed by anger, and then self-criticism. But finally over time, and with the support of my teammates and coaches, I have begun to find peace. I have come to understand that what I had initially considered to be my failures on the platform were actually opportunities to come to understand myself better as an athlete and as a person.

Somewhere along the way in my training I had lost the sense of inner strength and optimism I felt when training and competing. Positive and disciplined sessions had been replaced by my own rigid attachment to achieving Master of Sport. The sense of satisfaction and inspiration I once experienced when setting personal records had faded into the background of my focus on the achievement of a specific number of reps. As I stepped onto the platform I was consumed with fear of failure, a frantic race to achieve my repetitions, and impatience. I wrote about the first time this happened to me in competition last August in hopes of relinquishing some of the self-inflicted pressure that was robbing me of the joy I once felt about the sport.

After closely missing my goal for a second time in Las Vegas my emotional level of disappointment forced to me to reflect on why I wanted Master of Sport so badly.   What was it that I felt the achievement of this goal would bring me?  Justification for all the hours spent away from my family in training? Recognition and respect?  Validation?  Pride?  Inner peace and happiness?   Somehow I had tricked myself into believing that only one particular outcome could allow me to experience these gifts. The irony is of course that I had already received these gifts time and time again through the process of training.   My attachment to “MS” had hindered my ability to recognize this.

"This is one of the first times in my life where I have come to understand that I can still achieve a goal without having to make myself miserable to deserve it." -Surya

Finding my way back to joy and peace in training has come from allowing myself to detach from those elements of my MS goal which are ego based.  Through vulnerable discussions with my coaches, Maya and Steve, I have come to understand that my performance on the platform is not a measure of my self worth.  This understanding has in turn allowed me to be more present, flexible, and playful in training. This is one of the first times in my life where I have come to understand that I can still achieve a goal without having to make myself miserable to deserve it.  I can in fact find physical strength, discipline, and focus in training by simply focusing on the positives of the process rather than the outcome.

This detachment does not mean that my desire to achieve MS has faded. In fact I still want to achieve this more than ever. I want MS because pursuing this goal allows me to continue to train hard in a sport I love with a team of people that inspire and uplift me.  Through KB lifting I have also lost over twenty five pounds, have found a way to release stress, and I have had many opportunities for self reflection and personal growth.  I have also formed dear relationships with wonderful people all over the world who like me have discovered the hidden gifts in the sport of Kettlebell lifting. The last time I took to the platform was in Croatia and for the first time in a long time when I completed my set (yes, I was once again one rep away…), I actually felt at peace.  I had done my best, had enjoyed the hard work I put forth on the platform, and felt proud of my performance.  Of course there are still days when training is harder than others, when I feel frustrated and disappointed, but I never leave training without feeling better for having shown up and done the work.  I have come to understand that each time I train or compete there are always unexpected/hidden rewards.  This realization has in turn allowed me to truly begin to experience patience and inner peace.

-Surya